A year ago, I wrote a post on depression & my battle with it over the last twelve years. I had quite a few e-mails asking me how it feels to be depressed and it's something that's taken me a really long time to think about and give an answer I feel is appropriate. I've seen the very worst of depression, as bad as it can get, from attempting to take my own life on more than one occasion, to being sectioned in a local Mental Health Unit. I've been fortunate enough to come out of the other side of it now and I'm in a place where I feel content and stable, and dare I say happy?!
The only way I can really describe depression is that it feels like you're drowning, sinking deeper and deeper while everyone around you can breathe. You feel alone and trapped with your own thoughts. There's a lot of stigma around mental illness, depression in particular. A lot of people don't see depression as an actual illness, but more of a state of mind. While depression does affect your state of mind, it is an illness. An incurable illness.
Depression can be controlled with medication, but there is no cure for it. It can go away but there's always a risk of relapse. I was depression free for years before I had a severe relapse two years ago. It's utterly exhausting, I'd spend days and days in bed, literally not wanting to face the world. My anxiety was so bad I couldn't leave the house, or even face speaking to anyone. I wasn't sleeping at night. My mind would race at a hundred miles an hour, all I could think about was ending my life. I felt worthless and like I was just existing, not actually living. I still had hopes and dreams like everyone else, but I'd lost all of my motivation and all of my confidence. My confidence is something I still really struggle with and something that I'm still working through now.
When I was at my worst, I looked ill. It's described as a 'haunted' look. You look empty and your face looks sunken. It was obvious that I wasn't well. It was something I never noticed, that other people could clearly see that I was in a bad place. People I didn't particularly know were asking me if I was okay.
“If you know someone who’s depressed, please resolve never to ask them why. Depression isn’t a straightforward response to a bad situation; depression just is, like the weather.
Try to understand the blackness, lethargy, hopelessness, and loneliness they’re going through. Be there for them when they come through the other side. It’s hard to be a friend to someone who’s depressed, but it is one of the kindest, noblest, and best things you will ever do.”
- Stephen Fry
Depression has taught me so much, I've grown so much more as a person and learnt more about myself than I before. It's taught me to be kind, both to myself and others. Treat people gently, because you never know what kind of battles they are fighting behind their smiles.
I was fortunate enough to have huge amounts of support from the NHS to get me to where I am. The bravest thing I ever did was speak out and get the help I needed to get me better. It's the hardest step, but the best one that can ever be taken. Nobody should have to suffer in silence.
