Hey Belles! First off, I have to apologise for not updating for the last three months, it seems like a ridiculous amount of time & its definitely the longest blog break I've taken. I think I owe it to my readers to explain to you why I've been so elusive the last few months. I have depression. This is my story.
Rewind 11 years, I was aged 14 & in high school. This is when I was first diagnosed with depression. I was being severely bullied at the time by a group of girls in my year group, I used to be an introvert and was far too shy to ever fight back, I always figured it would just go away or the girls would get bored and give up. They didn't. I began to self harm and at the time it made me feel better. Just to feel something. I spent most of my time sleeping when I wasn't at school, to have a break from life and to not have to deal with anything. I wanted to die, I no longer wanted to exist. I was made to feel worthless. Eventually I was taken to the school nurse, having hurt myself so badly in the school toilets I bled through my clothes, my mum was called & I still remember her coming into the nurses office with my sister, both of them crying. They had no idea what was going on. I was referred to my GP who put me on Citalopram and arranged for me to have counseling. By the time this happened school was nearing an end. I did my GCSE's and passed with flying colours. After school I decided to leave behind my closest friends and study art at college for two years. The rest of my friendship group stayed on at school to study at sixth form, along with the girls who had bullied me.
For me, college was a massive relief. I began to find my confidence again, made new friends and was so happy to be out of the poisonous environment which was school. I was able to come off my antidepressants. In my second year of college I was applying for a university place when I met Alex. Our relationship escalated quickly and I found out I was pregnant just three months in. We decided to keep the baby & Alfie was born in October 2007 a few months after I finished college. I was 18 years old. But shortly after Alfie was born, I had a relapse. I felt like I'd lost my confidence all over again, Alex and I were living between our parents' houses while we found somewhere of our own to live, the stresses of going from house to house & having a newborn son were all too much for me. I was diagnosed with post-natal depression and again, put back on Citalopram. All of my friends had gone to university by this point & I felt like I had no support at all, I was surrounded by family yet somehow had never felt more alone. Alex & I took a break from our relationship when Alfie was almost 2 years old. We soon decided to try again & I fell pregnant with our second son at the end of 2009, Oliver was born in August 2010. Our little family felt complete, we found a lovely little house and settled into family life. But somehow it just wasn't enough, I'm not sure why, I just didn't feel happy. It felt like there was something missing and I just couldn't place what it was.
Alex & I began to argue, there was a lack of trust in our relationship and he decided to end the relationship in 2011, while it came as no surprise, it was still tough. Soon after our relationship ended, I met Rob and it felt as though as everything had fallen into place. He made me feel calm & content, I'd never been with anyone who made me feel so happy. We just clicked. I didn't really believe in 'love' or that feeling of just 'clicking' with somebody but he changed everything. He was amazing with my sons & they were so fond of him too. Rob decided to go to University in Brighton, which was always in his plans. I had to admit, I always thought I could change his mind, that he'd fall for me and decide to stay. Our relationship ended in August 2012, but a month after he started Uni, he decided he wanted to give things another go. We spoke on phone every day and he came to see me every weekend (three hours from Brighton). By this time I was working for a high end retailer and was deeply unhappy in my job, having two sons to support though, I couldn't just leave. Mine and Robs long distance relationship was taking its toll on me & spending half of the week away from Alfie & Oliver while they were at their dads was heartbreaking. It all got too much & I attempted to take my own life. I sent Rob a message, telling him my intentions and that I was sorry. I knew he was working and that he wouldn't get my message until he finished for the day and by then... it would be too late.
But it wasn't too late. It was out of pure luck that Rob finished early that day, and realising he couldn't get hold of me, he called the police, who pushed my front door in. I was taken to hospital and checked over. Fortunately I was okay. The next day I went to see my GP. She referred me to the local Crisis Team who had telephoned me within an hour. They came to see me the next day and everyday after that for the following three months. During that few months, there were several other suicide attempts, this continued all through last summer, my medication was chopped and changed as nothing seemed to agree with me and nothing seemed to be helping my mood, I was given Fluoxetine (prozac), Mirtazipine and eventually Venlafaxine along with Quetiapine, which is my current medication. I spent most of my time sleeping, I felt exhausted. I couldn't figure out why I felt this way and how to get myself out of it, I felt lonely, I'd never felt so low. I developed anxiety, which is something I'd never suffered with before, I couldn't answer the phone, I couldn't answer the door, going out made me sweat, I just wanted to stay home and sleep.
At the height of my depression I felt exhausted, I had no motivation at all, I didn't want to do anything, things I did want to do, I felt too tired to do. I felt lonely. I didn't want to see anyone. I no longer wanted to exist.
People began to notice a change in my personality, I had messages from the other parents at my sons' school asking me if I was okay because I hadn't looked well. The crisis team told my mum that those with depression can develop a 'haunted' look on their faces. This is what happened to me. Along with depression & anxiety, I also suffered with dissociation. I felt spaced out, I felt confused and often forgot what I was supposed to be doing, I felt as though I was invisible and life was just passing me by. Eventually, I was passed over to the Community Mental Health Team, who I now see on a weekly basis.
My relationship with Rob ended in Febuary and at the time, I felt devastated. I suffered another big relapse, but now.. I've never felt better. While I'm still seeing my care coordinator and taking medication, I think the end of my relationship was the best thing ever to happen to me. I'm no longer stuck in a relationship that I'd convinced myself I was happy in, with someone I really loved, when actually, I didn't really love him and I wasn't really happy either. I'm now at a place of calm, I can focus on myself and my sons and can honestly say I feel happy again. I feel happier now than I have done in the last three years. I'm not sure why. I think I realised that if I were ever to get better, it had to come from me.
Having read tons of self help books in the last few years and trying to understand more about depression, I recently discovered that 9 out of 10 people who commit suicide, never sought help from their local crisis/mental health teams. For me, it was the best thing I ever did and I can honestly say that it saved my life. While I still bear the physical scars of my illness, I'm alive. And ultimately thats what matters. I've learned how precious life is, I may have been to hell and back to realise that but its made me stronger than ever. I've been so fortunate to have the most amazing network of friends, family & mental health specialists to help me through my darkest days. My friends & family have been my absolute rocks, especially for the last year.
I didn't write this for any kind of sympathy. But I know how lonely depression can feel. For anyone suffering or for anyone who knows somebody who does suffer with depression, you're not alone. There's help around every corner.
So theres my story. Sorry it was a little long winded! Hope everyone had an amazing Easter weekend!
Lots of Love
Heidi
xxx
