063 : Life - 25 Things I've learned by my 26th Birthday

Tomorrow I turn 26! It recently dawned on me how much has changed in the last year, I've ended and began relationships, I've battled my way through severe depression and anxiety. I've started and left jobs. I've blogged my little heart out. I wanted to share with you everything I've learned in the last 25 years.. so here goes!

1. When it comes to friends, quality over quantity is best. I spend my time with people I care for, trust and know would be there for me no matter what. A lot of my friends completley deserted me in my time of need, the ones who cared stuck around.

2. If a relationships just not working, end it. My ex-boyfriend coming back from uni for the summer with an STI should have been a sure sign it just wasn't working, but I stuck by him and it was the biggest mistake I've made in the last 25 years!

3. Being a mother is the most important job you'll have. I had my first son when I was just 18, my second when I was 21. Being a mother has changed my life for the better, it's the most rewarding, challenging and wonderful job I've ever been given.

4. Stand on your own two feet. Learning to be independent and not rely on others for anything was one of the biggest challenges. I moved out of the family home when I was 18 years old and have never looked back. I had a little person in my life who relied on me for everything, getting my independence and learning to live alone was one of the biggest feats for me.

5. Never leave the house without make-up. Fake it to make it, right? I never leave the house without wearing make-up. I'd rather look bright eyed and bushy tailed, even if I feel more like the walking dead!

6. Spend time with those you love. It's difficult to spend time with family and friends when you all go your separate ways and start to live different lives. One of the biggest regrets I have over my short 25 years is not spending enough time with my grandparents before they passed away, there's so much I would have loved to known and asked them while they were still here.

7. Setting timelines just isn't healthy. I always had it in my head that I'd want to be married by the time I'm 30 and have children either just before, or not long after. Obviously things didn't work out that way for me, setting timelines just never works out. I've learned to take each day as it comes, if it happens it happens, if it doesn't it doesn't!

8. Don't waste your time stressing. I've always been a bit of a worrier, I get stressed super easily, I realised I've wasted so much valuable time fretting about things and worrying about things that actually, really didn't matter all that much.

9. Look after yourself. This is something I've learned really recently, as a lover of junk food, three sugars in my tea, chocolate.. I've realised it's time to be healthy, fill myself with goodness and reap the rewards of a healthier mind and body.

10. Don't buy cheap shit. Everyone loves a bargain, but over the last few years I've realised it's better to spend my money on things that are seen as more of an investment, things that mean more and will last that little bit longer. Rather than rubbish that I really don't want. (Chat magazine every Thursday is absolutley essential, promise!)

11. Start every day with a positive mind. Waking up feeling miserable sets you up for a miserable day. I always try and wake up feeling refreshed and positive for a more productive day!

12. Eyebrows are important. I'll be honest, probably up until the last year or so, I did absolutely nothing with my eyebrows. I make sure to get them waxed regularly now and fill them in when essential, it's amazing how good eyebrows changes your face and makes you feel that much better!

13. Learn from your mistakes. And don't make them again, ever!

14. Take risks once in a while. Playing safe is boring, I never hold back anymore and am more likely to take a risk than I used to be. 

15. Be kind. It's so easy to judge others and to be unkind, we've all said and done things we regret, I fill every single day with kindness, towards myself and others.

16. Don't dwell on the past. I've spent so much time thinking about the past and all the negatives that have happened in my lifetime, if I'd spent it thinking about the present and the future I would have had a much more positive mindset. The past can't be changed, but you can do things to ensure a positive future.

17. There is such a thing as bad sex. 'Nuff said.

18. Build on your strengths. I wish I'd spent more time doing this, improving my skills at certain things and doing more of things I love.

19. It's okay to rest. If you're feeling tired, rest. I always try and squeeze a little nap in every day, especially if I'm tired. Resting does you the world of good and you feel way better for it afterwards.

20. If you don't do your dishes, they stay dirty. You know when you're young and everything is mysteriously clean, your laundry's always done, there's always fresh sheets on the bed. Yep? It doesn't do itself. Moving out made me realise this, it may have take twenty years but if you don't do your washing, you have no clean pants.

21. Quit bitching and change things. We have the ability to control our own lives, if you're not happy in your job. Quit. Do something that makes you happy and stop moaning if it doesn't, you can change it!

22. Your body changes. It's normal. After having children, I thought I'd still have the body I had when I was 18. I was wrong, after having babies, it's natural to have stretch marks and a bit of a wibbly tummy! 

23. It's okay to still enjoy the Sims and Theme Hospital. I played these games growing up, and I still love them now. And that's just fine!

24. Learn to cook. When you leave home, suddenly your food isn't prepared for you anymore and you have to learn to fend for yourself, it's taken me 25 years and I still can't cook well, it's something I wish I'd learned at a much younger age!

25. Going to bed early is a blessing. When I was young, going to bed at 9pm seemed really uncool. I always wanted to stay up later than I was told, now, I feel relieved to be able to go to bed at 9!

 

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053 : A Little Life Update

Hey lovelies, hope you're all having a lovely week. Its finally Friday and it's 32 degrees here in Suffolk - I feel like I'm melting! Lots of ice cream in store for me this weekend! I know this blog has been mostly product reviews and outfit of the days, but I wanted to write something a little different and a little more personal.

Lots has changed lately, I know some of you may have seen my recent post about my struggles with depression & anxiety - I was seeing the Community Mental Health Team for 18 months and I finally got discharged yesterday. It was a huge step in my recovery and overall wellbeing. I'm really proud I finally got to this point and while it doesn't mean I'm totally better it means I'm well on the way!

Every other weekend I take Oliver & Alfie to my mums house in Norfolk, this weekend we went to a village fair where they had their faces painted as Spiderman and Iron Man, aren't they just so cute?! You can find other pictures from this week on my Instagram, under my username Heidiloux.

Oliver turns four next month, its crazy how time the fast goes! He starts 'big school' in September and is really excited. Alfie goes up into Year 2! Proud Mama moment!

Since splitting up with Rob in February I've been really happily single, for the first time in 8 years I'm single and content with it! I feel at 25 I probably should settle at some point, but right now I just don't feel ready to. A lot of my friends are getting married and having babies which is amazing but the thought of settling terrifies me! Right now, I don't feel the need to be with anyone. I'm surrounded by amazing family and my closest friends, men just don't come into the equation!

Definitely feeling this right now! Although I have to say, I did get a little wedding envy seeing the photos of Fearne Cotton in her wedding dress, she looked absolutely stunning. And only the oh-so-perfect Olivia Palermo could look so sweet in a cardi and bright blue Manolos! I'm kind of pining after a wedding dress but not a wedding! I think the entire blogosphere is excited to see the gorgeous Milly from Pearls and Poodles marry her beau Rob, I can't wait to see the photos and I'm sure Milly is going to look utterly divine! I've been a huge fan of her blog for years now & am so happy for her. I love seeing her Instagram updates of her wedding plans, everything looks flawless!

Doesn't Olivia look absolutely perfect?! And her husband is a bit of a dish isn't he?! Ding Dong! Olivia ditched the traditional white dress for this cream top and lace skort combo, what do you guys think of getting married in a skort?!

Hope you all enjoyed reading something a little different!

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043 : Lifestyle : My Fight With Depression.

 

Hey Belles! First off, I have to apologise for not updating for the last three months, it seems like a ridiculous amount of time & its definitely the longest blog break I've taken. I think I owe it to my readers to explain to you why I've been so elusive the last few months. I have depression. This is my story.

Rewind 11 years, I was aged 14 & in high school. This is when I was first diagnosed with depression. I was being severely bullied at the time by a group of girls in my year group, I used to be an introvert and was far too shy to ever fight back, I always figured it would just go away or the girls would get bored and give up. They didn't. I began to self harm and at the time it made me feel better. Just to feel something. I spent most of my time sleeping when I wasn't at school, to have a break from life and to not have to deal with anything. I wanted to die, I no longer wanted to exist. I was made to feel worthless. Eventually I was taken to the school nurse, having hurt myself so badly in the school toilets I bled through my clothes, my mum was called & I still remember her coming into the nurses office with my sister, both of them crying. They had no idea what was going on. I was referred to my GP who put me on Citalopram and arranged for me to have counseling. By the time this happened school was nearing an end. I did my GCSE's and passed with flying colours. After school I decided to leave behind my closest friends and study art at college for two years. The rest of my friendship group stayed on at school to study at sixth form, along with the girls who had bullied me.

For me, college was a massive relief. I began to find my confidence again, made new friends and was so happy to be out of the poisonous environment which was school. I was able to come off my antidepressants. In my second year of college I was applying for a university place when I met Alex. Our relationship escalated quickly and I found out I was pregnant just three months in. We decided to keep the baby & Alfie was born in October 2007 a few months after I finished college. I was 18 years old. But shortly after Alfie was born, I had a relapse. I felt like I'd lost my confidence all over again, Alex and I were living between our parents' houses while we found somewhere of our own to live, the stresses of going from house to house & having a newborn son were all too much for me. I was diagnosed with post-natal depression and again, put back on Citalopram. All of my friends had gone to university by this point & I felt like I had no support at all, I was surrounded by family yet somehow had never felt more alone. Alex & I took a break from our relationship when Alfie was almost 2 years old. We soon decided to try again & I fell pregnant with our second son at the end of 2009, Oliver was born in August 2010. Our little family felt complete, we found a lovely little house and settled into family life. But somehow it just wasn't enough, I'm not sure why, I just didn't feel happy. It felt like there was something missing and I just couldn't place what it was.

Alex & I began to argue, there was a lack of trust in our relationship and he decided to end the relationship in 2011, while it came as no surprise, it was still tough. Soon after our relationship ended, I met Rob and it felt as though as everything had fallen into place. He made me feel calm & content, I'd never been with anyone who made me feel so happy. We just clicked. I didn't really believe in 'love' or that feeling of just 'clicking' with somebody but he changed everything. He was amazing with my sons & they were so fond of him too. Rob decided to go to University in Brighton, which was always in his plans. I had to admit, I always thought I could change his mind, that he'd fall for me and decide to stay. Our relationship ended in August 2012, but a month after he started Uni, he decided he wanted to give things another go. We spoke on phone every day and he came to see me every weekend (three hours from Brighton). By this time I was working for a high end retailer and was deeply unhappy in my job, having two sons to support though, I couldn't just leave. Mine and Robs long distance relationship was taking its toll on me & spending half of the week away from Alfie & Oliver while they were at their dads was heartbreaking. It all got too much & I attempted to take my own life. I sent Rob a message, telling him my intentions and that I was sorry. I knew he was working and that he wouldn't get my message until he finished for the day and by then... it would be too late.

But it wasn't too late. It was out of pure luck that Rob finished early that day, and realising he couldn't get hold of me, he called the police, who pushed my front door in. I was taken to hospital and checked over. Fortunately I was okay. The next day I went to see my GP. She referred me to the local Crisis Team who had telephoned me within an hour. They came to see me the next day and everyday after that for the following three months. During that few months, there were several other suicide attempts, this continued all through last summer, my medication was chopped and changed as nothing seemed to agree with me and nothing seemed to be helping my mood, I was given Fluoxetine (prozac), Mirtazipine and eventually Venlafaxine along with Quetiapine, which is my current medication. I spent most of my time sleeping, I felt exhausted. I couldn't figure out why I felt this way and how to get myself out of it, I felt lonely, I'd never felt so low. I developed anxiety, which is something I'd never suffered with before, I couldn't answer the phone, I couldn't answer the door, going out made me sweat, I just wanted to stay home and sleep. 

At the height of my depression I felt exhausted, I had no motivation at all, I didn't want to do anything, things I did want to do, I felt too tired to do. I felt lonely. I didn't want to see anyone. I no longer wanted to exist.

People began to notice a change in my personality, I had messages from the other parents at my sons' school asking me if I was okay because I hadn't looked well. The crisis team told my mum that those with depression can develop a 'haunted' look on their faces. This is what happened to me. Along with depression & anxiety, I also suffered with dissociation. I felt spaced out, I felt confused and often forgot what I was supposed to be doing, I felt as though I was invisible and life was just passing me by. Eventually, I was passed over to the Community Mental Health Team, who I now see on a weekly basis. 

My relationship with Rob ended in Febuary and at the time, I felt devastated. I suffered another big relapse, but now.. I've never felt better. While I'm still seeing my care coordinator and taking medication, I think the end of my relationship was the best thing ever to happen to me. I'm no longer stuck in a relationship that I'd convinced myself I was happy in, with someone I really loved, when actually, I didn't really love him and I wasn't really happy either. I'm now at a place of calm, I can focus on myself and my sons and can honestly say I feel happy again. I feel happier now than I have done in the last three years. I'm not sure why. I think I realised that if I were ever to get better, it had to come from me.

 

Having read tons of self help books in the last few years and trying to understand more about depression, I recently discovered that 9 out of 10 people who commit suicide, never sought help from their local crisis/mental health teams. For me, it was the best thing I ever did and I can honestly say that it saved my life. While I still bear the physical scars of my illness, I'm alive. And ultimately thats what matters. I've learned how precious life is, I may have been to hell and back to realise that but its made me stronger than ever. I've been so fortunate to have the most amazing network of friends, family & mental health specialists to help me through my darkest days. My friends & family have been my absolute rocks, especially for the last year. 

I didn't write this for any kind of sympathy. But I know how lonely depression can feel. For anyone suffering or for anyone who knows somebody who does suffer with depression, you're not alone. There's help around every corner. 

So theres my story. Sorry it was a little long winded! Hope everyone had an amazing Easter weekend! 

Lots of Love

Heidi 

xxx

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