Life : Two Years

Two years ago today, I lost custody of my sons to their father due to depression. It was honestly the hardest, most heartbreaking day of my entire life. In a split second, I went from seeing my two beautiful boys most of the week and having them overnight, taking them to school, bathing them, putting them to bed, reading stories and having cuddles, snuggled up with popcorn and movies on the sofa.. to supervised contact four hours a week. You're told they can't sleep at your house, you can't bath them, read them a story and snuggle them into bed with a kiss. You're not even allowed to take them to school, or collect them at the end of their day. I can't explain what it's like for this to happen, all of a sudden you're told you can't look after your own children, the boys you brought into the world - because you're mentally ill.

I'm writing this with tears rolling down my cheeks. The day we went to court was awful. The childrens' father had been physically violent to me during our relationship, I brought this up. He threw me into a wall and winded me severely when I was pregnant with our second son, I literally couldn't breathe. He painted me in a light that made me look like a liar, that I was trying to make him look worse because I was 'ill' - like I wasn't able to think clearly because I was depressed. Some people might wonder why I let my depression get so severe, when actually, I was begging doctors for months for help, they'd send me away with yet another anti-depressant and tell me to come back if it wasn't helping, which of course I did. I wasn't given any kind of help until it was too late and I'd tried to take my own life (I was alone when this happened). 

For the first few months after losing my sons, I laid in bed feeling sorry for myself. I was overwhelmed with guilt and I wanted to sleep the days away, I didn't want to exist. I felt like I'd failed as a mother, as a daughter, as a sister, as a friend. I felt like I had nothing to live for. It took me months and months of going around in circles, getting lost in my own thoughts to actually realise that I could carry on just existing or I could get myself better and regain custody of my children. 

Of course I opted for the latter. Before we went to court, I had to undergo a psychiatric assessment, the psychiatrist reccommended that I would need 12-16 sessions of psychotherapy, but he believed that I wouldn't actually do it. So I spent an entire year having private psychotherapy, to prove that I would do it, to get myself better and work through the issues that had been plaguing me since childhood. 

I started working again, I hated my job but it gave me a routine, I had something to get up in the mornings for, I was earning my own money and it was distracting me from my thoughts, as well as getting me to socialise. I pushed and pushed myself, making small, slow steps to begin with, but giant leaps as time went by.

I got discharged from the local mental health team not long after we went to court, it was in our agreement that supervised access would remain in place for a year. After this, unsupervised contact could be introduced, provided that a second psychiatric assessment proved I was well enough mentally.

Sure enough, after around 18 months of having supervised access to my sons, I had a second psychiatric asssessment. I was no longer clinically depressed and was classed as being in remission, I'd had no depressive symptoms for over 6 months and the psychiatrist was happy for me to see my children alone again. 

I started collecting them from school and having them for dinner, without their father or a member of my family being present. 

On Saturday this week, my children will be sleeping here for the first time in that two years. I've redecorated their bedroom for them, ready for them to come home and they cannot wait to spend the night here. Two days later, I start my degree in Mental Health Nursing.

I really thought that I'd never get through my depression, I never believed that there was a way out of it, like there was nothing I could do to get better, it just wasn't going to happen. I was drowning. But actually, with time and patience, self-belief, support from loved ones and the drive to keep moving forward, I did it. I am so proud of myself right now and I hope me and my little boys continue to keep moving to the future, to continue to make progression and to rebuild our relationship. If you don't believe that time is the best healer, I promise you, it is.

View Post

065 : Living With Depression

A year ago, I wrote a post on depression & my battle with it over the last twelve years. I had quite a few e-mails asking me how it feels to be depressed and it's something that's taken me a really long time to think about and give an answer I feel is appropriate. I've seen the very worst of depression, as bad as it can get, from attempting to take my own life on more than one occasion, to being sectioned in a local Mental Health Unit. I've been fortunate enough to come out of the other side of it now and I'm in a place where I feel content and stable, and dare I say happy?!

The only way I can really describe depression is that it feels like you're drowning, sinking deeper and deeper while everyone around you can breathe. You feel alone and trapped with your own thoughts. There's a lot of stigma around mental illness, depression in particular. A lot of people don't see depression as an actual illness, but more of a state of mind. While depression does affect your state of mind, it is an illness. An incurable illness.

Depression can be controlled with medication, but there is no cure for it. It can go away but there's always a risk of relapse. I was depression free for years before I had a severe relapse two years ago. It's utterly exhausting, I'd spend days and days in bed, literally not wanting to face the world. My anxiety was so bad I couldn't leave the house, or even face speaking to anyone. I wasn't sleeping at night. My mind would race at a hundred miles an hour, all I could think about was ending my life. I felt worthless and like I was just existing, not actually living. I still had hopes and dreams like everyone else, but I'd lost all of my motivation and all of my confidence. My confidence is something I still really struggle with and something that I'm still working through now.

When I was at my worst, I looked ill. It's described as a 'haunted' look. You look empty and your face looks sunken. It was obvious that I wasn't well. It was something I never noticed, that other people could clearly see that I was in a bad place. People I didn't particularly know were asking me if I was okay. 

“If you know someone who’s depressed, please resolve never to ask them why. Depression isn’t a straightforward response to a bad situation; depression just is, like the weather.

Try to understand the blackness, lethargy, hopelessness, and loneliness they’re going through. Be there for them when they come through the other side. It’s hard to be a friend to someone who’s depressed, but it is one of the kindest, noblest, and best things you will ever do.” 

- Stephen Fry

Depression has taught me so much, I've grown so much more as a person and learnt more about myself than I before. It's taught me to be kind, both to myself and others. Treat people gently, because you never know what kind of battles they are fighting behind their smiles.

I was fortunate enough to have huge amounts of support from the NHS to get me to where I am. The bravest thing I ever did was speak out and get the help I needed to get me better. It's the hardest step, but the best one that can ever be taken. Nobody should have to suffer in silence.

View Post

063 : Life - 25 Things I've learned by my 26th Birthday

Tomorrow I turn 26! It recently dawned on me how much has changed in the last year, I've ended and began relationships, I've battled my way through severe depression and anxiety. I've started and left jobs. I've blogged my little heart out. I wanted to share with you everything I've learned in the last 25 years.. so here goes!

1. When it comes to friends, quality over quantity is best. I spend my time with people I care for, trust and know would be there for me no matter what. A lot of my friends completley deserted me in my time of need, the ones who cared stuck around.

2. If a relationships just not working, end it. My ex-boyfriend coming back from uni for the summer with an STI should have been a sure sign it just wasn't working, but I stuck by him and it was the biggest mistake I've made in the last 25 years!

3. Being a mother is the most important job you'll have. I had my first son when I was just 18, my second when I was 21. Being a mother has changed my life for the better, it's the most rewarding, challenging and wonderful job I've ever been given.

4. Stand on your own two feet. Learning to be independent and not rely on others for anything was one of the biggest challenges. I moved out of the family home when I was 18 years old and have never looked back. I had a little person in my life who relied on me for everything, getting my independence and learning to live alone was one of the biggest feats for me.

5. Never leave the house without make-up. Fake it to make it, right? I never leave the house without wearing make-up. I'd rather look bright eyed and bushy tailed, even if I feel more like the walking dead!

6. Spend time with those you love. It's difficult to spend time with family and friends when you all go your separate ways and start to live different lives. One of the biggest regrets I have over my short 25 years is not spending enough time with my grandparents before they passed away, there's so much I would have loved to known and asked them while they were still here.

7. Setting timelines just isn't healthy. I always had it in my head that I'd want to be married by the time I'm 30 and have children either just before, or not long after. Obviously things didn't work out that way for me, setting timelines just never works out. I've learned to take each day as it comes, if it happens it happens, if it doesn't it doesn't!

8. Don't waste your time stressing. I've always been a bit of a worrier, I get stressed super easily, I realised I've wasted so much valuable time fretting about things and worrying about things that actually, really didn't matter all that much.

9. Look after yourself. This is something I've learned really recently, as a lover of junk food, three sugars in my tea, chocolate.. I've realised it's time to be healthy, fill myself with goodness and reap the rewards of a healthier mind and body.

10. Don't buy cheap shit. Everyone loves a bargain, but over the last few years I've realised it's better to spend my money on things that are seen as more of an investment, things that mean more and will last that little bit longer. Rather than rubbish that I really don't want. (Chat magazine every Thursday is absolutley essential, promise!)

11. Start every day with a positive mind. Waking up feeling miserable sets you up for a miserable day. I always try and wake up feeling refreshed and positive for a more productive day!

12. Eyebrows are important. I'll be honest, probably up until the last year or so, I did absolutely nothing with my eyebrows. I make sure to get them waxed regularly now and fill them in when essential, it's amazing how good eyebrows changes your face and makes you feel that much better!

13. Learn from your mistakes. And don't make them again, ever!

14. Take risks once in a while. Playing safe is boring, I never hold back anymore and am more likely to take a risk than I used to be. 

15. Be kind. It's so easy to judge others and to be unkind, we've all said and done things we regret, I fill every single day with kindness, towards myself and others.

16. Don't dwell on the past. I've spent so much time thinking about the past and all the negatives that have happened in my lifetime, if I'd spent it thinking about the present and the future I would have had a much more positive mindset. The past can't be changed, but you can do things to ensure a positive future.

17. There is such a thing as bad sex. 'Nuff said.

18. Build on your strengths. I wish I'd spent more time doing this, improving my skills at certain things and doing more of things I love.

19. It's okay to rest. If you're feeling tired, rest. I always try and squeeze a little nap in every day, especially if I'm tired. Resting does you the world of good and you feel way better for it afterwards.

20. If you don't do your dishes, they stay dirty. You know when you're young and everything is mysteriously clean, your laundry's always done, there's always fresh sheets on the bed. Yep? It doesn't do itself. Moving out made me realise this, it may have take twenty years but if you don't do your washing, you have no clean pants.

21. Quit bitching and change things. We have the ability to control our own lives, if you're not happy in your job. Quit. Do something that makes you happy and stop moaning if it doesn't, you can change it!

22. Your body changes. It's normal. After having children, I thought I'd still have the body I had when I was 18. I was wrong, after having babies, it's natural to have stretch marks and a bit of a wibbly tummy! 

23. It's okay to still enjoy the Sims and Theme Hospital. I played these games growing up, and I still love them now. And that's just fine!

24. Learn to cook. When you leave home, suddenly your food isn't prepared for you anymore and you have to learn to fend for yourself, it's taken me 25 years and I still can't cook well, it's something I wish I'd learned at a much younger age!

25. Going to bed early is a blessing. When I was young, going to bed at 9pm seemed really uncool. I always wanted to stay up later than I was told, now, I feel relieved to be able to go to bed at 9!

 

View Post

053 : A Little Life Update

Hey lovelies, hope you're all having a lovely week. Its finally Friday and it's 32 degrees here in Suffolk - I feel like I'm melting! Lots of ice cream in store for me this weekend! I know this blog has been mostly product reviews and outfit of the days, but I wanted to write something a little different and a little more personal.

Lots has changed lately, I know some of you may have seen my recent post about my struggles with depression & anxiety - I was seeing the Community Mental Health Team for 18 months and I finally got discharged yesterday. It was a huge step in my recovery and overall wellbeing. I'm really proud I finally got to this point and while it doesn't mean I'm totally better it means I'm well on the way!

Every other weekend I take Oliver & Alfie to my mums house in Norfolk, this weekend we went to a village fair where they had their faces painted as Spiderman and Iron Man, aren't they just so cute?! You can find other pictures from this week on my Instagram, under my username Heidiloux.

Oliver turns four next month, its crazy how time the fast goes! He starts 'big school' in September and is really excited. Alfie goes up into Year 2! Proud Mama moment!

Since splitting up with Rob in February I've been really happily single, for the first time in 8 years I'm single and content with it! I feel at 25 I probably should settle at some point, but right now I just don't feel ready to. A lot of my friends are getting married and having babies which is amazing but the thought of settling terrifies me! Right now, I don't feel the need to be with anyone. I'm surrounded by amazing family and my closest friends, men just don't come into the equation!

Definitely feeling this right now! Although I have to say, I did get a little wedding envy seeing the photos of Fearne Cotton in her wedding dress, she looked absolutely stunning. And only the oh-so-perfect Olivia Palermo could look so sweet in a cardi and bright blue Manolos! I'm kind of pining after a wedding dress but not a wedding! I think the entire blogosphere is excited to see the gorgeous Milly from Pearls and Poodles marry her beau Rob, I can't wait to see the photos and I'm sure Milly is going to look utterly divine! I've been a huge fan of her blog for years now & am so happy for her. I love seeing her Instagram updates of her wedding plans, everything looks flawless!

Doesn't Olivia look absolutely perfect?! And her husband is a bit of a dish isn't he?! Ding Dong! Olivia ditched the traditional white dress for this cream top and lace skort combo, what do you guys think of getting married in a skort?!

Hope you all enjoyed reading something a little different!

View Post